Yes, he’s adorable. I know. He is also full of energy, completely curious, and a little sponge of anything you say or do, just like any other two year old. And when you are almost forty, like I am, that takes some special instructions. So here is a list of twenty things that may help you, if you, like me, find parenting to be a difficult task when you should be able to hit your mid-life crisis in stride instead of spending it changing diapers.
1. Have a certified nurse insert a permanent PICC line for intravenous caffeine. You will need it.
2. Make sure you have the diapers delivered on a re-occuring cycle from an online source. Mid-lifers tend to forget. I like diapers.com
3. Take your vitamin. Daily. Toddlers run you ragged and my physical fitness is not what it was in my twenties.
4. Speaking of physical fitness, be prepared to “donate” money to a gym. You will swear that you will get there. Next month. I prefer the YMCA because I can take the kids to the splash pad in the summer at least.
5. Invest in stock for Starbucks and/or Mountain Dew. At least then you will receive a dividend check for some of the massive amounts of money you will be spending there. #SBUX #PEP
6. Know your Disney Junior cartoon characters. They will be asked for in toddler speak. Repeatedly. And you had better know what he is saying or you will be dealing with a melt down.
7. Know your toddler speak. (See above) It helps when he has an older sister who can translate for you. She deserves a degree for her translating capabilities. I love to record this toddler speak on my iPhone to review later so I can learn the language a little better.
8. Speaking of the iPhone, be ready to relinquish any and all technology as “mine” or suffer the aforementioned melt-down. Toddlers give a whole new meaning to Digital Natives nowadays. Oh, and purchase the insurance for said electronics. Screens are very breakable.
9. Keep a digital folder of all those “I’ll read this later” parenting articles and helpful hints. Recognize that you will never read them. Ever.
10. Schedule a wine and canvas outing or spa day every so often. If Mommy ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.